creature of habit

I am a creature of habit. I also have ADHD. When things get extremely stressful for me I tend to do what works. Toward the end of my undergraduate years, the bottom absolutely fell out for me in every single way. To say that I had a depressive episode is a bit of an understatement, like saying that water is wet. What was difficult in particular is that while I wouldn’t get out of bed, at night the sleep that I would get, if any, was not at all restful unless I watched at first a handful of select favorite movies and then just one favorite movie (that’s where the creature of habit bit comes in). The one that it eventually came down to was “You’ve Got Mail,” over and over again. By the time that the theme song is over, I’m typically tired, and by the time Tom Hanks is telling Meg Ryan that he would like to send her a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils, I am smiling, swooning, and only semi-awake.

Because the bottom has fallen out and then some, my old friend insomnia has come back into my life. Last night as I tossed and turned I remembered this habit of mine to watch the same old movie over and over, and tonight I will return to my tried and true ways. Someone very close to me used to mock this habit of mine. It strikes me that I was just in a forum for adults with ADHD and I am not the only one that uses this method to fall asleep. Perhaps I’m not so different after all. Perhaps at the root of this is knowing what’s about to happen next in the plot of *something* is what’s needed, even if only for two hours, so we can sleep. Our own plots are so very uncontrollable, and if we allow ourselves to think on that for too long it is then that we cannot sleep, and for good reason.

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