Were we to run into one another while running errands this afternoon and if after our initial greetings you asked me, “How was your weekend?” I would have to tell you honestly that it was both pleasant and almost unbearable.
On Saturday I made a day trip to Richmond to see, if only for a few hours, my grandma in her alarming state of decline. She is barely getting liquids and no longer eating solids; for most of the day she sleeps.
Were you ever to ask me what the most defining quality of her is or what I most want to translate into my own habit of being I would tell you without having to pause at all: it is her unshakeable spirit and steadfast faith that things all will be well. This is still with her, remarkably. She is calm and recognizes each of us. Though we are each a mess she reaches out a hand in hopes of soothing our broken spirits. I had my heart broken by the realization that I am quickly losing someone that is utterly incapable of causing heartache.
There was certainly some happiness among the sorrow, as there always seems to be. My brother, my sister-in-law, Clara and my mother got to visit with my aunt Elaine of course (it is her house in Richmond where my grandmother is currently set up with Hospice) as well as my aunt Shirley from AZ and her son/my cousin Art from MI who Bryan and I have not seen in 8 years or so. While I can think of happier circumstances for a homecoming it was a homecoming of sorts nonetheless.
Life reminds you that while you certainly can sit around wearing your heartache like a badge of honor that is not the only option and it is certainly not the best — not for you and not for those around you who need to be shown something from you or want to show you something.
Though somewhat overwhelmed and processing my emotions, my favorite little person wanted to play the piano and I was more than willing to make it a duet. She was just what I needed there and then.
The temptation sometimes, in moments of despair and grief is to insist upon it and disappear into it never letting someone else be what we need or letting ourselves be what someone else may need. I am as guilty as the next person of having done this in the past but I don’t want to do it anymore. What about you?
sheologian 