Yesterday was quite exhausting. I am neither proud nor too proud to admit that I spent the majority of Monday sleeping. Everyone has their process of dealing with emotionally painful circumstances: mine is to sleep during the initial phase and to enact radical change after accepting said change.
Enacting radical change can be done in a positive, affirming way or a destructive one. It used to be that I would be prone to, particularly at such points at this, self-sabotage my intimate relationships. Whether or not I will ever understand why I did this or fully grasp the damage I was able to inflict upon myself and on in one case someone else I hurt badly I don’t know and I am at this point past exploring. What I have learned and am willing to explore is that there is another, better way to enact radical change as I process my grief; that it may not be as easy to create as to destruct that at times like these the iron is hottest.
I should be photographing.
I should be making jewelry.
I should be writing.
I should be taking advantage of the spring-like weather we are having and spend a few hours digging in the dirt, getting the soil primed and ready for plantings.
That itch to “do something drastic” when something hurts deeply will forever be part of me; part of my process. That “drastic” doesn’t always have to mean “destructive” has taken me 30 years to learn, causing me and others some substantial yet invisible scars.
That’s what this life is, though. I have my own plot of dirt with which to contend just as you do. What are we going to do with them?