I am struggling currently to make myself muster up enough motivation to complete a paper due tomorrow only to rest a bit on Friday while taking a final exam and then over the weekend compiling my large paper. If I’ve had anything in abundance over the past year or so it’s ambivalence bordering on apathy. I wish I knew the root cause so I could address it but I just can’t seem to shake this (emotional) weight like I once could.
I see more glimpses of me than I have in a while – I sing to myself constantly, which is irritating to those around me of course but is definitely a sign that perhaps the danger of frost has passed and new things can now be planted. I get really excited about things like the Zesty Sauce at Burger King (for which I have a song) and the sunflowers in my garden showing signs of life. For a girl who is so easily overjoyed (yes, even condiments) emerging from weeks and weeks of flat affect is as noticeable as it is welcome. Yet, when I sit down to a computer to write about things I really truly care about I can’t. I have sifted through this every which way possible and I’m not mad at God, or religion – that isn’t causing my blankness of mind. I think what it ultimately boils down to is a lack of faith in myself which is as difficult to restore.